How to beat E-Tolls

(Please note this article is purely intended to provide a chuckle or two, we by no means condone breaking the law, cheers).

Ok so after countless petitions, arguments, strikes, complaints and threats, the ruling party in South Africa (ANC) has gone ahead with its controversial E-Tolling system on major highways in Gauteng as of the 3rd of December 2013. To the average tax paying citizen this feels like receiving a right hook directly on the jaw from one of Mike Tyson’s hardened boxing gloves.  In fact I lie, it feels like being bludgeoned to death with a lead pipe, then revived then bludgeoned to death once again but this time by Sachin Tendulkar at the helm of his cricket bat. The one he used to score 241 not out against Australia. Yes, its a serious cricket bat.


Nevertheless, the general sentiment here in South Africa is that the ANC are a bunch of thieving fools who have plunged the country into a state of severe degradation through their pathetic and childish money-making schemes, including, but not limited to, corruption and general thievery. So the public (or at least a few members of the public who have an IQ above 10) stand together and refuse to buy an E-Tag (An electronic device used to fund government holidays, cars, food, hotels, houses, drugs etc). So lets keep it that way South Africa. DON’T BUY AN E-TAG. FFS.

So in next years elections, we as South Africans have a choice, vote ANC and continue to be bludgeoned to death by the studded boot of Bakkies Botha or vote for change (OBAMA help us here). If we vote ANC then I brand South Africa as the worlds most IQ starved country. To put it simply, we are fokken dom. FOKKEN DOM, and I will immigrate to a country that bitches when their number 10 is sent into the grass at meteor impact speeds due to a LEGAL collision from a proper rugby player.

Anyway so this is how we beat the E-Tolls. 

Most of the general public despise motorcyclists as we blast past at 200km/h and make your ears bleed due to our illegal performance exhaust systems. However motorcyclists provide us with the answer we need to prevent Zuma from expanding his West wing at Nkandla to feature a merry-go-round made entirely from KFC streetwise number 2’s. Yes that is actually happening, probably.

The 4 most critical reasons for getting a motorcycle are firstly to avoid paying for E-Tolls. Secondly to avoid traffic jams caused by the E-Tolls, thirdly, to avoid excessive fuel bills, for which we pay an exorbitant tax already, and lastly, to grow a pair.

There is only one catch, you’ll need a motorcycle license. So if you do not yet possess one, have a teaspoon of cement and harden the FOK up and get one.

  • Solution one the BMW S1000RR with illegal performance pipe

This option is best for those that use the N1. With roughly 200hp, it will enable you to get to work on time, run from the police and pull massive, near-vertical wheelies past the toll gantries. Just do what bikers do and pull off that number board at the back. We are not at the track here so please no number boards needed.


  • Solution two the BMW R 1200 GS

This option is best for those that adhere to the ‘law’ and will not buy an E-Poes nor use the highway. The GS is probably the best adventure bike on the market, capable of transversing Africa without a moments hassle. This makes it ideal to commute to work in Johannesburg due to our KAK road network which is crumbling apart at the seams as we speak. The GS will come in handy when you klap massive potholes that have existed since 1996. It will also make you look like a hero and enable you to stand up on the footrests for no reason whatsoever. This bike is essential in deciphering the MASSIVE traffic jams that have occurred on alternative routes. The jams are now so bad that it is reported to take the average tax paying citizen 17 Aeon’s to get to work. I’m not too sure how long that is but i’m sure your boss will be pissed off when you walk through the door.


  • Solution three the Bajaj Platina 100

This option is perfect for those that want to cut through the massive jams and also save fuel. The average speed on Gauteng’s roads is roughly 10.5km/h so the Vagaj, I mean Bajaj is the perfect solution for an IQ starved commuter network. With a top speed of 11km/h the Platina will ensure you stream past most commuters. Features include an engine, suspension and brakes. Optional extras include lights and tyres, probably.


  • Solution four the Ducati Panigale 1199

OK ok, so your last name is Krejcir, Bashevis or Zuma and you need to get rid of a little extra cash so that SARS doesn’t come knocking on your door. Well luckily for you I have a solution. It comes from Italy, its red and it has an Nkandla sized powerplant producing a Zuma worthy 200hp. That’s enough power to mix a bowl of pap for more than 5 minutes. Incredible. Now you can ride around in style cruising past places like Tasha’s on a Saturday morning wearing your latest crocodile skin shoes complete with Louis Vuitton bag. Just like the Beemer it will pull wheelies through all of the gantries but this time you will have a semi-naked prosi on the back straddling you for dear life.


E-Tolls cock up (The tax payers bum) solved.


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